berlin wall

i've never been so comfortable
as i've been my days with you
i have no masks
no false pretenses
and i know i don't have to.

but i'm the one who's holding back
afraid to really let go
of all my fear
of my lonely past
and i'm shocked i let you know

that night you held me as i cried
it felt like i had come home
you saw my heart
and cuddled my soul
you started breaking down my stone

the walls i'd put around my heart
have kept so many away
i still have some
they're starting to fade
you'll tear them all down some day.

Man on The Moon

As I look up at the face
Of the man in the moon
I wonder, "Can he see
The depth of my wounds?"

With his eye overlooking
All of this world
Does he ever hone in on
This dumb silly girl?

A girl who's afraid
To let someone in
Because when she does
She gets hurt again

A girl who is simple
Who just wants to be loved
Who hasn't figured out
When too much is too much

So tonight I'll look up at
That man on the moon
And pray that this heartache
Will go away soon.

©Mandi Walker
10/27/10

rumbling thunder

I feel like I'm at a point where things are finally supposed to finally be happening for me, but they're taking a long time. It's like I hear the far off rolling thunder and I'm waiting for the sky to break and rain it's sweet release all over me. I figured out a path for my education so I should be starting school soon. My job sucks, but i know it's a means to an end and although it's slow right now, it'll hopefully pick up soon and my car and my last credit card will be paid off soon. Since I've literally had no choice but to learn to be happy with less lately, I'm happily having a yard sale and getting rid of some of the clutter and crap in my life.
Along with getting rid of the crap is letting go of people or friendships that are of convenience. I've met some really great people here in Phoenix and they're the ones who I'd rather invest my time and energy into. I've always been the "people pleaser" and I have a tendency to put others needs before my own. I think I'll just go with the flow and invest in those who have invested in me.

Waterlogged

You're like a drop of water
That falls down in my ear
No matter how I shake and kick
You're always fucking here

I try to wait it out with time
Maybe patience is the key
But day after day, hour after hour
You're still here with me

A Q-Tip! Maybe that will work
To dry out your gushing sounds
But I can't plunge one through my heart
Where your memory abounds

So I guess the want of me and you
Will be like that tiny drop
Evaporating slow, but part of me
Until the moment that it's not.

Mandi Walker
3.10.10

there's always next year...

Which begins in less than 5 days... Thank goodness. 2009 was a pretty crappy one. It started off with the discovery of lies in a longtime friendship, got somewhat better as I got to spend some time with my grandparents on my dad's side and then moved to Phoenix so I was closer to work. I got to go to Vegas in the beginning of July and saw some of my family who I hadn't seen in years, then the kicker. I had lost 40 pounds and things were going pretty good.
Then my grandma died at the end of August. Then my grandpa on my mom's side 32 days later. Ever since, I've been really depressed, I put some of the weight back on and some days I would rather stay in my house than go anywhere.
This will hopefully be an amazing year. I'm going to be 30 and I hope to do it with grace and dignity. I need to go back to the gym and get healthy again, not necessarily for the cosmetic benefits, but because I'm going stir crazy. I know it will help with the depression and my sciatic nerve. So, I plan to cut out all fast food for January and get back into the gym habit. I think that'll be a good start. We'll see. :D

Thanksgiving Scrooge

So, this week is Thanksgiving. It's supposed to be a time to focus on all the good things in your life and all the things I'm thankful for, and whenever I hear the term "Thanksgiving Dinner," I picture the family dinners of the past, where we would go over to my grandmother's house in North Hollywood and I would dread the whole day because my whole family would be watching football and I would retreat to the downstairs bedroom to watch movies and get away from all the crazy people hooting and hollering upstairs.
Or the trips out to Las Vegas to see my dad's parents and Grandma would make her green Jello salad. Around that table during a Thanksgiving dinner was where I learned that brevity is the soul of wit. My brother had always been the funny one and of course I wanted to be just like him. But, like all little sisters, I fell way short of my own expectations and more annoyed everyone than made them laugh. Anyway, my dad had had shingles recently that had left a one inch indented scar across the bridge of his nose. I wasn't paying a whole lot of attention and I heard my dad say something about, "the skin off his nose." Being completely serious and not even thinking about making a crack, I smarted off with, "Don't you already have enough skin off your nose?" Well, the entire family exploded into a roar of laughter. I look over at my idol, er, older brother, to see tears coming out his eyes because he's laughing so hard. We must have gone off for literally five minutes. It was a proud, defining moment in my childhood.
I have so many great memories around those Thanksgiving tables. That's what makes this year so hard. Today marks the three month anniversary of my Grandma Drake's death and tomorrow is the two month anniversary of Grandpa Marty's death. They always say that the first holidays without your loved ones are the hardest and this isn't going to be any exception for me.
Am I being completely selfish? All I can think of are the people that I've lost and how much they have added to the happiness of my memories. I'd give anything to be eating Grandma Drake's green Jello salad this year. I'd even eat the walnuts that she always put in there! Or to be sitting next to Grandpa Marty, huddling our heads together and laughing.
I really SHOULD focus on the good things in my life. I really am a very blessed person. I have parents who have been married for 31 years and are more in love today than ever. I have two jobs in an economy when some people don't have one. I have a place to live with electricity, running water and a little bit of food on the shelves. I have my dog Roxy who greets me with kisses whenever I walk in the door. I can walk, speak clearly and don't have any major medical problems. I have a handful of friends I can count on no matter what. And I have happy memories from my childhood, many of which came from the people I have recently lost. But I know that we loved each other and that no one will ever be able to replace them. So I guess I should be thankful for that too.

appearances

You know what really hocks me off? When stores or restaurants put their "large" of whatever in front of their small so when you order you think you're getting one thing but you really get another.
Example: I'm having breakfast with my friend this morning at paradise bakery. She's running a little behind so I decide to order us coffee and I get a side of fruit. The ones in the front of the display are in decent sized bowls. Of course naïve me thinks this is the only size, so of course I'm surprised when this dinky little thing is placed up on the counter. I then realize I've been the victim of a bait and switch! Bastards! I'm already annoyed that two coffees, fruit, and a muffin are $6.51 AFTER my mall employee discount and all this does is cement the fact that corporate america will always win and it's going to be the american consumer who is going to finance their victory party.